Being Real. Faith and Failure. Siesta Scripture Memory *Verse 3*

Until today, whenever this Jason Walker song, "Down" would come on the radio or Pandora, it would instantly shoot straight to my heart about my failure. I know that most people don't think of me as a, "failure", but for the last two years it is how I was defining myself.

So here's the backstory: At 20 I was a successful Target intern, and everyone told me, "In no more than 3 years you'll be running your own store". So I told people, and prided myself on my success at work. At 24 I was an MBA graduate and was told, "Just do this ONE more thing, and you'll be ready to run your own store". Then at 25 it was, "You're almost there, you'll do great running your own store". Then more of the same at 26. There I was, 6 years later, still not attaining the goal I had set for three years earlier. Then, at 27, 7 years later I quit. I was fed up, frustrated, and felt like a failure. Yes, I was excited to become a stay at home mom, excited for the opportunity to stay home with my boys, excited to give Matt the opportunity to be the sole provider for our family, but I couldn't shake the feeling of quitting as a failure.

So for the past year, every time I've heard that song, it brought back all the feelings of inadequacy and failure. But rather than let it pull me down, I threw myself into not being a failure at my new job as a stay at home mom. I cooked, I cleaned, I entertained, I taught, I volunteered, I crafted, I played, I did EVERYTHING I could to not be a failure this time around. Then this week happened. I got sick, we failed at potty training, I was short with Matt, I blew the budget, I didn't do dishes or laundry, I quit one Bible Study, I forgot to bring a friend her meal. All it took was one week, and there I was feeling like a failure again. 

Then today a REALLY good friend asked me, "Who are you doing this for?" "Who are you trying to impress?" What I realized was that I was seeking to serve myself and others, all to feel like a success, without ever getting that satisfaction. She reminded me of these verses:

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Colossians 3:22-24 ²² Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. ²³ Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, ²⁴ knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

Galatians 1:10¹⁰ For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. 

1 Thessalonians 2:4 ⁴but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, Not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts.

After digging into my Bible, I realized that all this time, I have been seeking the approval of man, and placing my self-worth in my "success". Just because I never got my own store, I didn't have to let that define me. No matter how much cooking, cleaning, entertaining, teaching, and serving I do, that will not define me. What will define me is my identity in Christ, which is approved by GOD and no one else.

The other thing that she reminded me was ALL of the good that has come from my "failure". I had become cold hearted towards my employees and guests. I was too exhausted to be a good wife or mom. Since quitting I've regained my hope in most people, and am not nearly as negative. I've had time to serve my husband, spend time with my kids, enjoy my hobbies, and spend more time with the Lord.

So why am I writing this? What's the point? For when this song brings you down, for when you feel inadequate, for when you feel like a failure. Remember who you are serving, and whose approval you are seeking.

Jason Walker "Down"

I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back

And I’m tired of waiting

Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Not ready to let go

Cause then I'd never know

What I could be missing

But I’m missing way too much

So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

Oh I am going down, down, down

Can’t find another way around

And I don’t want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I never know why it’s coming down, down, down.

I shot for the sky

I’m stuck on the ground

So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

Oh it’s coming down, down, down.